Returning books to the outdoor box at the Westerly library with my 3-year-old son is as much a highlight to him as actually getting the books inside. He loves to turn the books the right way, reach as high as he can, and slip them through the slot, proudly asking for the next. After this, our routine is to then go into the library where he gets to push the elevator button, greet the staff, and bounce around from aisle to aisle picking out books and then scanning each of them by himself with the self-scan service the library provides. The whole experience is pure joy for him.
So, that is why, on this particular day that the mom-shaming experience happened, my son was not happy to learn that the library had closed for a staff meeting, and in-turn, decided to have a 3-year-old melt down. I will not make excuses for my child. There was crying, and hard pulling on my hand and some running in circles with me attempting to both calm him down and keep him safe. This was as frustrating for me as it was for him. In my attempts to move him down the library ramp and steer clear of others, I heard the disapproving words of a woman no more than two feet away from me, criticizing my son’s behavior. The words “Wow” followed by a disappointed head shake were meant to be heard and seen. At that moment I felt judged and completely alone. My knee jerk reaction to her disapproval was to say “Save it” followed by, “Do you have children?”. And that’s literally what I said.
I did not expect what would come next. The individual shifted to high volume yelling, using multiple expletives and even throwing in a jab about my physical appearance. I was stunned at the anger, the language, and the insults. I asked her if she was seriously going to talk like that in front of a child and she proceeded to yell at me confirming that she did indeed have children (I presume grown at this point based on her perceived age) and that she would have “fixed this”. I cannot say for sure what “this” is but it was likely my son. As I continued to walk my son down the ramp away from this individual, one more profanity was thrown in my direction as she got to her car.
The whole incident probably only lasted about one minute, but in those moments it felt like so much longer. I walked half way down the ramp with my still crying son. He sat down and I knelt down to comfort him. Then, our angel appeared. He came from inside The Coy Cafe and down the ramp with stickers in hand. He knelt as well. He asked if I was okay. He made my son smile and stop crying. And his warmth and reassurance then made my tears flow. I was relieved he was there. Relieved he had heard the altercation from inside the cafe, and relieved that in that moment someone was there to provide comfort and support. After he made sure we were both calm and safe, he said his name was Tim and he walked back to his coffee shop.
I have had the last twenty four hours to process all the emotions that came from this incident. I realize this woman probably had a bad day. I now know how horrible it feels to be mom-shamed. I know that I probably could have avoided the whole encounter if I had just ignored her initial remarks. But then, I also began to think of all the countless times parents have been supportive in stores and outings with their words of encouragement. And mostly, I thought of Tim from Coy Cafe and his kindness. In those moments where he provided support, my faith in humanity was quickly restored. I think it is easy for people to focus on the negative and make broad sweeping decisions about people being mostly crazy and bad. We can easily use our personal experiences to reinforce these ideas. But, I would say, we can also decide to use the lens of love and kindness to see the world and its humans through that framework instead.
‘There is a Mr. Rogers quote referring to his own mother’s words to him as a child that says: “look for the helpers, you will always find people helping.” I think of this quote often. And I thought of that saying again yesterday when Tim was there for us. In a fleeting moment, my life was flooded with what felt like a million emotions from shock to anger to fear to sadness and then relief. But the one that stood out the most was the feeling of gratitude. Thank you Tim for being a helper and for quickly restoring my (continued but sometimes challenged) faith in humanity.
itsallaracket 